New Zealand Weekly Update #10

Last updated on Januar 1, 2023

26th of November until 1st of January 2023

Approximate reading time: 10 minutes

Why I am in New Zealand – Part One

Two years ago, I planned to go to Canada, to the area of Yukon. To work on a husky kennel for half a year. To travel a little bit. To step out of my comfort zone. To explore. Everything was ready. Flights. The conversation with my boss. I canceled my apartment. And you all remember what came next. Covid. Boom. Everything changed. No Canada. No adventure. Just be stucked in your town. My city almost felt like a ghost city. And my plans to go for a new adventure have been cancelled as well as my flights and my contract with the husky kennel.
This was the time I started to run regulary, three or four times a week. I still don’t know why. But it felt right. To move. To be outside. To challenge my body and my mind. And maybe sometimes also to run away. And this feeling of travelling, of moving far, far away, was still inside me and never disappeared. And it became stronger and stronger. And my belly sometimes yelled at me to move. To go for an adventure. To not fit in the normal society life. To just do what feels right. Whatever. Wherever. Whyever. Just do it.

And in the end. this feeling of wanderlust, of living abroad, of doing something „outside of the box“ supported me to decide for New Zealand. For Canyoning. For adventure. For feeling alive every day.

Why I am in New Zealand – Part Two

Have you ever felt sad? Felt tired? Felt like you never ever gonna be happy again? And this feelings did not disappear after a few hours?
No hope? No positive, good and supportive feelings? Like an emotional darkness laying on you like a heavy, ugly and annoying blanket?
If yes, I feel you.
There has been a time in 2022, when I had those feelings every single day. For weeks. I felt useless. I felt hopeless. I felt tired. Sad. Worthless. Without any idea of how to change my life, my situation, my way of moving on. I sometimes just whispered in a normal conversation because there has been no power at all in my whole body. I woke up in the morning without any idea what to do this day and why to do anything. It was even a big deal to make myself a nice breakfast or to move out of the house. In my head, there was no reason to leave the house.
Why? To talk to people? To walk the street? To sit outside of a nice bar having a coffee?
Sunds strange, but this is an insight of the head of a person with depression. Depression is ugly. Almost invisible. And for those, who don’t have it, quite hard to understand and to comprehend. A depression is like a fat, ugly, stinky witch sitting on your chest (or on your back) and you have to carry her everywhere. And she always mention how useless, worthless and hopeless you are. That you don’t deserve a good life and that people will judge you again and again. That they don’t love you. That you are just a worthless piece of shit. And my witch smells like licorice and mushrooms.

This was probaply the hardest summer of my entire life so far. Because I struggled with all those feelings and those thoughts. And I was not able to „fight“ or accept the depression as a part of me and to try to move on with it instead of trying to fight it.
There has been almost no day without crying. Without feeling worthless because I was not able to find a way to feel better. To be better. To be just myself. To laugh because life is sooo good. And it is good. It is beautiful. Full of adventures. Big and small ones. Full of unique moments. Full of nature, of special people and gosh, full of love.
Besides a thereapy (and guys, don’t doubt a therapy or coaching if you struggle, talking is always a good way to move on), guiding and moving to New Zealand was a game changer for me. It helped me to be myself again. To smile honestly. To spread energy. To motivate me and others. To be happy and hopeful. To be crazy and full of ideas. To be an inspiration. And to hug people with all of my energy.
This is, by the way, one of the best things you can to with depressed people. Hug them. Honestly. Long. Sharing energy. Listen. Never ever doubt their feelings or thoughts. Share small and unique moments with them. It might not change their whole life, but it might change their day. And maybe their week. Hugs are universal. Hugs are nuts 🙂

Why I am in New Zealand – Part Three

Have you ever recapitulated your curriculum vitae? Read it outstanding of your own personality? Read it as if you are not the person on it? What would you think about that person? Who is this person? Is she (or he) an interesting, inspiring person? What about the education? The private life?
Would you think the resume fits to this person?
After my optician apprenticeship I had no idea what to do with my life. Even before the apprenticeship I was quite disoriented. And I just applied for this one. Went well, successful and with outstanding results. So it was quite useful to study with my high school diploma after the apprenticeship. Bachelor of Optometry. Again really succesful, research award for an outstanding thesis. Again no idea what to do afterwards. So I studied again. Master of Optometry. Meanwhile working for a research company. Small team. Lots to learn, we travelled around the world. Cuba. Chicago. Manchester. I was responsible to set up studies, to write publications, to be responsible for the webpage, to make sure all the devices are ready for our studies. To conduct the studies, manage the subjects and the appointments. This job was full of learnings, of being together with a really nice team.
And I applied for a job as training manager at a big company in Germany (Zeiss). I got the job. Everything looks loke a straight career which fits perfectly my resume – and they paid me a lot of money!
First day with my new job. And it was horrible. I moved into my office and my belly was screaming at me to leave. To get out of this office. To quit immediatly. Because it did not feel right. Not good. It did not fit.
Why? I don’t know. My belly told me that it was not right, And I tried to doubt my belly. To get used to the new job, the new tasks, the new me. But I „failed“. I tried to fit into a normal social succesful life. But I did not want to fit in.
And after 8 months, I quit the job. I was jobless. I was „useless“ (and I was not). I started do do reconsider my life. My way of how I want to live. I walked the french camino. I supported refugees, I drove to the ukrainian-polish border to save refugees, I set up a donation run, I moved to south Germany to work again as a canyoning guide. I did what felt right. Wat was right. Not right for my resume, but right for me. And I started to get rid of the smell of this ugly and fat witch from time to time. (but she is still there and always will be)
Unfortunatelly, this way of living and of moving on was not suportive for my former relationship. It was quite poisonous. we have moved further and further away from each other even if we loved each other. And we tried to maintain the relationship. But we „failed“ (and we did not, we tried as best as possible and we have had a unique and memorable time together). But sometimes, you have to decide to seperate from each other and move on. Not for the other person. But for yourself. Four your own soul and mental health.

And there you go. There are many reasons why I am in New Zealand right now. Many sad, bad and shitty moments. Shitty emotions. Shitty thoughts. But in the end, good experiences. Because they supported me to make the right decisions and to move on.

What is the learning out of those last sections? Listen to your belly. Never doubt your belly. Never doubt yourself. Be yourself. 🙂

Happy New Year – Future is right now

After the mental strip, lets head over to some more fun and some more stories about New Zealand and my last week. This one has been quite busy, as there have been a lot of working days and busy days with really big groups and long days.
Most of the time, I guided our „house“ canyon Niger stream. Most of the time alone with 2-3 customers. From France. From Canada. Dingyinternational. And the french family was quite funny, as the son (13yrs old) was able to speak german as well. To I did all of my guiding and safte briefing bilingual. I almost felt like a professional translator the whole day 🙂
On the 30th and 31st of december we had a big group of 54 customers. Scouts from Australia, teenagers.

And we had two tours each day. The first day in Cross Creek, the second day in Niger stream. And it took us a lot of preparation. We’ve got all the sizes and weights of the kids prior to be able to label their wetsuits and prepare their shoes and socks to save time at the canyon. We set up toilets for them, we hired a person to be responsible for the lunch. Busy days. Plans changed a little bit as the kids stayed at the wrong place the first night so we had to change the canyon and our plans as well a little bit. But most of them did really good. Confident. And after 2 days of working almost 12 hours each day (without cleaning up all the gear and get it ready again for the next day) we felt amazing. Because the guide team worked together. We supported each other. We worked as a team to guide the kids safe and with a lof of fun through the canyons. And of course we had a beer together after the trip back at the base 🙂

And what about our plans for the New Year? Well, being outdoors of course. We decided to sleep outdoot at the Mt. Iron in Wanaka, to have a nice view over the city and the fireworks as well. So we moved up the mountain at 10pm in the evening with a lot of stuff. And while we hiked up, a lot of people crossed our way and told us that we are wrong and should join them to walk to town. But we kept going 🙂

Up the mountain, it was not as crowded as we expect it to be. I think it has been maximum 20 people up there. And we sat down, had a glass of a nice rum, some snacks and some conversation as well. And some of us almost fell asleep as we have been quite tired since we worked a lot the last days.
And finally, 12pm. Fireworks in Wanaka. Quite small, but still pretty and enjoyable. And a lot of hugs to all of those happy people. And we just enjoyed our time together on the mountain, the silence and the nature.
The morning after, Mt. Iron became quite busy as a lot of people hiked up the mountain to enjoy the view to Wanaka and the Lake. And we had a good coffee, some snacks and a beautiful sunrise as well. Could be worse 🙂
And as friends of mine from Germany and me try to go for a swim every year on the 1st of January, I tried to keep this tradition and swam the Lake Wanaka with Daniel, a friend of mine. 1.4km in the Lake, to the other side of the beach. Daniel protected me driving the kayak, I did it the way round the way back. Cold, refreshing water and a lot of people on boats and jetskis cheering to us.

What else to say?

Happy new year guys. May it be a memorable, adventurous, amazing year. Day by day. May it be worth it every day for you. Inspirational. Unique. Special. And just a reason you smile at the end of this year. Maybe this year will show up some unique and life changing days for you – just listen, watch and grab them. Decide to smile, decide to move, decide to live!

Your dingyinternational
Felix