25th of December until 31st of December 2023
Approximate reading time: 15 minutes
Lets get it started
Good morning folks! I hope you all had a great christmas time with family, friends, great food, some drinks, awesome presents and some unforgetable moments together!
My original plan was to spend christmas day on a hike, up the mountains, alone with myself and nature around me. But it went out much better, since I have spent the day and night with some great people in Hawea, having some drinks, some outdoor games, amazing food and a lot of great conversations by the fire or while playing beerpong. And out of the sudden, it was 5AM and going to bed would have been a bad idea, since I had to work boxing day. It was the first time for ages that I haven’t slept and went straight to work. But with a good coffee and some breakfast, the day went pretty good. Town was not too busy even though I have been alone in the shop and sometimes I would have to serve 6 customers at the same time. But I knew, this too shall pass. And it did. And so I went back home after work and went straight to bed, for some rest and sleep. And again I realized, that spending time with people who appreciate you the way you are with what you have and what you can give and share is one of the best things in life. Sharing experiences, thoughts, emotions, stories, advices. And not thinking about that people might judge you or reject you. Not being pushed by yourself or others to try to please someone just for attention or compliments.
The rest of this week was pretty chilled, even though town is getting more busy this time of the year, lots of cars, lots of people. Wanaka is busy and loud and I am looking forward to the time when it gets a little more silent and peaceful again, since it is such a lovely place to be.
A look back
Looking back to 2023, there is only one word that could describe the last 52 weeks in total. Intense. Very intense. It was full of new adventures, new experiences, old experiences, new and old emotions, new people, coming and leaving, some of them staying. New challenges, new and old jobs, full of new lessons, of learnings. 2023 shaped me. Made me. Looking back, this has been the most intense, most interesting, most memorable and so far the best year of my entire life! There have been ups and downs, moments full of „what the fuck is going on“, moments of „I can not do this anymore“, moments of „This is too much“. But much more important, it has been full of „this is awesome“, moments of „I want more of this“ and moments of „I am happy and grateful“. 2023 was challenging and every moment, every conversation and every encounter teached me something. About myself, about others, about what I want, what I need and what I dont accept anymore. It has been a year, where some people would reject me, leave me and treat me with disrespect and ignorance. But way more important, it has been a year of joy, full of people with good vibes, good energy, good conversations and full of people, who made me feel that I am at the right spot. That I don’t have to please them to be accepted, to feel welcome, to feel loved. Living far away from home comes not only with joy, happiness, daily adventures and new experiences but also with struggles, with lonely times, with missing people, with doubt, wit struggle. With feeling alone, far, far away from home. And from time to time, I felt all this. I started to doubt my decision to stay in New Zealand and thought if it might be easier to leave. To go back to „normal“, to „easy“, to my „comfort zone“. But looking back to the comfort zone, that I was used to, made me reconsider. Since my comfort zone was not comfortable at all. It felt wrong, it felt way too uncomfortable to stay. It felt like change, like chance, like moving. It felt like something is not right, even though I could not tell what exactly feels wrong and what to do to change. And now? New comfort zone, new environment, new life. Comfort comes with change, with challenge, with chances. If we are ready to accept that sometimes, we have to take the first step out of our comfort zone, into the unknown, the risk, the danger, the struggles, the doubt. Progress comes with change. With unknown feelings, unknown environments, unknown people. It comes with an unknown way. Since no one walked this way before. So we have to find a way paving our own way, with our own feet, our own tools, our own experiences and skills. And with building up new experiences and skills while walking our own and new way step by step. And in the very beginning, it does not feel like progress at all. It is almost the same like training for a marathon. In the beginning, you start from scratch. You doubt yourself a lot. You stop from time to time and you want to give up. It is hard each and every day. And you want to quit. Because this would be way easier, you want to be back in your well-known comfort zone. Cozy. Warm.
But if you keep going, again and again and again, a time will come when you look back and realize a certain progress. In a physical and much more important, in a mental way. You realize the progress, the improvement, the change. You realize that the hardest part might be already behind. And you realize that progress is ahead and is already happening inside you. For me, setting up new goals is always exctining. Challenging. It keeps me going. It motivates me. But in the end, it is never about the goal itself. Never about finishing. About arriving. For me it is way more important what to do, who to become and what to learn, to be able to achieve my goals. To cross the finish line. To feel what I feel during the journey. And what to become to be able to finish. And way more important, what to leave behind, so to say what to „unbecome“ to finish. All those things in my mental backpack, that push me down, that are way to heavy to carry on. To leave them on the way, to free up space in my backpack for the things that are truly part of me.
2023 started with a blast! Swimming on the 1st of January with my good friend Daniel, so to say „coast to coast“ in Lake Wanaka, being sick afterwards and hiking together. Staying up the mountains. Beerskis, conversations and doing my first Skydive to say Hi to the new year. Doing highlining with lots of bruisers afterwards and staying up all night long. And still working my ass of in Canyoning. 2023, I am ready for you, your challenges, chances and adventures!
February, intense. Roadtrip to Tekapo, amazing colors, great adventure, skinny dip up the mountains at Brewster Glacier (and hell it was cold as – lets say water temperature around 3 cm 🙂 ). Being supported by good friends while struggeling, meeting new people and spending some great times up the mountains – the beginning of hiking regulary and exploring new nature!
March, time for marathon. Not a classic one but challenging. 1000 meters of elevation, all the way from Glendhu Bay to Arrowtown. What a challenge, what an achievment. Running with my friend Robin who had the idea of running this gem. Ups and downs on the way, sore muscles, wet feet due to a lot of river crossings. And a cold drink afterwards! Just a blast! Jägermeister on top of French Ridge hut, BBQ with friends after a two-day hike. Drinks and karaoke. Singing Kea up the mountains. Special and unique!
April – a month full of emotions. Hiking Earnslaw burn with good friends, one of them hitting her head twice on a tree log, cold nights, whisky and freezing temperatures, Spending my birthday with some great people, receiving the most special gift so far (my own Pounamu, a Toki, and I keep it with me each and every day aroun my neck – thank you so much Laura and Brendon, words could not explain how much this means to me). Working with a lumberjack and get them firelogs ready for delivery. Kayaking to Mou Waho island and being alone on this small island overnight. Kayaking for hours at the lake, surrounded by nothing but silence and nature. And having a conversation with a Kea who followed me all the way from Liverpool Hut back down to Matukituki valley – cheeky special fellas!
May – the month of challenges and change. Still working with the lumberjack, working at a construction site, traveling the south island alone in my car for two weeks. Hiking Copeland track, sitting in the natural hot pools, hiking up Avalanche Peak in foggy and cloudy conditions, meeting some new people while traveling, running my ass of doing Southern Lakes Halfmarathon (speedy gonzales mode on), being part of the pack with my husky tattoo and getting ready to be back in retail – one step back and two steps forward.
June – back in retail. Back in Germany I told myself that I will never ever work in retail again, especially in optics. It was never a passion of mine. I just did it, for whatever reason. even if you would offer me a shitload of money, I just did not want to do it again. But still, New Zealand is different. And it was my chance to stay. So fuck it, lets do it! And what to say, it might be still not a real passion, but my team is amazing, supportive, we laugh, we make it work, we support people, we get amazing feedback, we have a great energy. So most of the days, I still enjoy working at OCULA and working with my amazing team. And I am grateful for being surrounded by those people. They make me smile each and every day!
Speaking about being grateful, spending time with my friends Max and Jess (and since a couple of weeks their little baby, what a gorgeous little fella) is always special. Those guys are full of happiness, of good energy and I always enjoy our conversations and the time with them. Max was the first person I have met here in Wanaka and it took us a while to go out for a drink. And we managed to go to Queenstown to watch some icehockey, freezing cold and probably the smallest icehockey arena I have seen so far 🙂 And beside that, of course some hiking with Lea, a very good friend I have met here in Wanaka, who is already back in Europe but still with me whenever I have a zip of Jägermeister 🙂
July – a month full of emotions and travel. Full of friends, family and memories. Hiking up Brewster Hut alone in winter, surrounded by silence, snow, peace and alone in this very spot. Music, book, food and just me, myself and I. Even though I did a lot of hikes already, Brewster Hut is still my favorite one. Kayaking to Ruby Island in the middle of the night, scary, dark as hell and yet so beautiful. Maybe a little dangerous as well but well, I am still alive so it is all good 🙂
Flying back to Germany and leaving Wanaka for a while – waiting for the bus to Queenstown was quite a hard moment. Since I knew I am gonna miss that spot, that nature, that feeling of being here. But I was so excited to see all those people back in Germany. Hugging my granny, celebtrating my best friends bachlorsparty, lack of sleep, too many drinks, never ending nights, driving all the way from the east to the south of Germany, seeing my old friends in Jena, hiking up mountains, doing canyoning trips, spending nights outside. And being aware of how many great people I have back in Germany, all over the country. And feeling welcome, appreciated and home.
August – time for wedding. Giving a speech for my best friend at his wedding, I told myself to not cry. And I almost made it, until the last words. Talking about friendship, distance and no matter how far away you are, that some people will be in your heart and always with you. And even though you might deny it, but I know that you cried as well – finally I touched your heart 🙂
Travelling back to New Zealand, tired, exhausted, grateful and not ready to leave and not ready to arrive. Feeling like being stuck somewhere in between and it took me a while to arrive in Wanaka emotional wise. Dancing up Coronet Peak in the middle of the night, surrounded by snow and listening to great live music, getting stuck on the way back since the car was overheating, getting picked up by a good friend from Germany at 1AM and having some breakfast afterwards. And being sick for almost two weeks – that’s what you have to pay if you keep rushing, pacing and don’t rest from time to time 🙂
September – intense month. The feeling of being not enough, of being rejected again but realising that rejection can be also a chisel for perfection. For change. For the better. For realising what you need, want and deserve. And that you are free to decide what to do with your emotions, what you want to learn out of situations of rejection. What you can learn about yourself and others. And what you want to accept and more important, what you are not willing to accept anymore. „They don’t left you – I moved them out of your way. Best, the universe“.
And what to say, sometimes we stand in our own way by trying to please people, to be accepted, to feel welcome, to feel appreciated. Sometimes we are way too focused on external factors and we forget about that it is on us first. That we have to accept and love ourselves first. That we know our boundaries, our strenghts, our triggers. And that if we want something to change, that is is on us to change. That it is not on us to change others. That there is nothing such as control. And that we are free to decide what to do with our emotions and feelings. And that there is always a chance to learn someting out of every situation in life and way more important, that there is always something good about every single situation in life. It might not show up in the very moment, but it will, if we are ready to change our focus, mindset and move away from suffering.
October – month of change. Month of decisions. Reconsidering. On a saturday evening I thought about what could happen after Canada, since I was about to leave New Zealand in February 2024 and travel to Canada with my WHV. And I realized, that it could be possible, that I have to go back to Germany, since I might not have the chance to work in New Zealand again. And everything inside me cramped. It felt wrong. It was nothing I wanted or needed. So throw away this stubborn attitude of doing things just because of. Of what? Ego? Principles? Just because of? That would be way too german. So I decided to stay, as long as possible and necessary to work on my residency and with a lot of support from good friends, lots of conversations and motivation. Having some great days off work, riding a horse, hiking up Mueller Hut, enjoying nature and peace, going for runs to prepare myself for new challenges.
November – heck what to say to this month? This was crazy as. Busy as. Full of sports, running, new experiences, a lack of sleep and rest. And still, so amazing and full of joy. Running 100km in Arrowtown, doing Queenstown marathon one week afterwards back to back, having some new experiences doing the first parts of a paragliding course, doing my first solo flights from Coronet Peak, doing more training for my first Triathlon in January 2024. Hiking Wills Valley track with great company and being remote with a lovely hut, a cozy fireplace and nothing but silence. Relaxing in the secret sauna with good talks, some snacks and a dip in the cold water afterwards. And being surrounded by amazing people at work – this month was nuts!
December – month of reconsidering. Of being very grateful for a year full of joy, happiness, challenges and new people. Of realizing how amazing New Zealand can be. How much energy and hope I was able to embrace. How different I am here in this very spot. How much was necessary to finally realize where I belong, what I need and what I have to do to achieve and keep it. And that life will never be stable, normal and „comfortable“. Life will always come with change. Since there is nothing else more certain as change. Nothing is forever. No emotion. No struggle. No pain. Even no person. And there is nothing we can do about it but embracing the change. Embracing the chances. Embracing our own mindset. And realizing that there is only one way for us to go. Forward. Step by step. Sometimes a step back or a step to the side. By focussing on what we have, what we need and what we are willing to do to achieve. To make a progress. To be able to look back and be proud of ourselves. Of being grateful for what has been, of what we have experienced with other people, of who is still with us and what we have learned about the past.
What else to say?
Nothing else to add but wishing you all a great, fantastic, challenging and amazing year 2024. May it be full of new experiences, lessons, great company, unique moments, full of ups and downs to show you the way forward, full of gratitude, love and happiness. May it be full of hugs, smiles and honest appreciation. From yourself to yourself and others. May it be the year that might change everything for you – for the good, for the better, for the real you.
Your DingyInternational
Felix
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