New Zealand Weekly Update #94

Last updated on August 18, 2024

05th of August to 11th of August 2024

Approximate reading time: 5 minutes

Lets get it started

Again a very late update from last week, no need to worry and to apologise. As we have been constantly working, trying to keep our head up and I was waiting for Immigration to get back to me, with a finally positive answer. And even though it has been this week monday and should not be included in last weeks update, it is kind of stuck in my mind and out of my control. Last week has been up and down. As I had to make a decision to finally overcome certain worries and anxieties. As sometimes, we have to make a call. We have to catch up and talk about things that might hurt us. It might make us realise certain things. Things we are afraid of. Things that scare us. That make our heart beating so fast that we think we will explode soon. But just thinking about those things without acting is wasted energy. We are trapped in our mind, thoughts, assumptions and worries. And the only way to deal with this energy is to go through. Through the worries, anxieties and imaginations. And to clarify. To stay in reality and to get out of our head and back on our feet.
Talking about anxiety, I received a message from immigration this week monday. Excited as hell, I opend the message and the document, assuming to finally get my residency. And a minute later, I was sitting in my chair, upset, angry, disappointed and helpless. Immigration is about to decline my second application. Not because of missing documents or missing information but due to a formal „mistake“. Because of a simple date and a simple mess-up. Which has been out of my control and out of my knowledge.
And while being so very upset and angry and disappointed, I already made up plans and options to solve this. Trying to sort out what I can do about this situation. To sort out my amount of control. So I got in touch with Immigration, my company, lawers, friends and family. And now the process is rolling fast and towards a good direction. With support and hope. And hopefully, this time immigration will realise that everything matches, that I met all their criteria. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome and well-deserved residency.

Anxiety and other obstacles

I was watching this movie „Inside Out 2“ the other day with my very good housemate Sophie and Sammy. A movie about how our emotions work, how our mind works and how emotions sometimes would support, sometimes block us. How they sometimes lead us in a wrong direction, wrong assumptions, expectations and actions. And this movie was about a young girl growing up, developing the emotions of anxiety, embarresment, boredom and more. And while watching this movie, anxiety would take over control more and more and more. Trying to foresee every possible outcome of a situation or action. To prevent hurtful feelings and hence, to adapt as best as possible to the environment. To be seen. To not fail. To not get hurt. So this young girl stepped away from her core values. More and more into anxious thoughts and feelings. „If I win this game, I am a good person“. „If I make another goal, people will ove me“. It sometimes felt like filling a bottom-less cup. The more outside feedbackt his girl was demanding, the less fullfilled she would feel. She would need more and more and more external feedback in order to „fell fullfilled from the inside“. And this ended up in a chaos in her mind when anxiety was literally speeding in her head, faster and faster and faster. Trying to keep control, to push the right buttons, to gain more and more external feedback. While lossing herself more and more and more. And it ended in a crash in her mind, in her sitting alone, crying and realising that anxiety is not a good leader and won’t lead the way to become a better herself.
And it made me realise, that we act the very same. That we make worng assumptions, that we sometimes have wrong expectations to the outside world and to ourselves. That we try to adapt and to adjust to please others in order to fell „fullfilled“. And that we sometimes forget about hte fact that we are the only person who is able to give us all the positive feedback, love and attention we need. And that if we try to wear a mask in order to please people (especially strangers), we could loose our very close friends and family. And finally ourselves. It feels like a devils circle, a never ending loop without a positive outcome.
And in order to prevent this from happening, slowing-down and listening to ourselves might be a good start. To question our own mind, thoughts and assumptions. To go into depth and ask ourselves, what we really need and want. And what we deserve and what we do not have to accept in order to stay within our own core values and ideas.
Anxiety is indeed a very important part of our identy, it helps us to avoid stupid decisions, ti jump off that plane without parachute. To not drink this bleach as it might harm us very badly. To not cross this highway. But it also shows us a direction of what might be stuck deep inside ourselves. What wants to be seen, what wants to get out of the dark. What wnats to be felt. Listening to anxiety without being afraid of feeling it and walking towards its needs. Hand in hand.

 “Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” ― Nelson Mandela

What else to say?

Well, for now, I am scared. Afraid, Anxious. As I do not know what might happen. And what might not happen. But for now, I know about the things that are my responsibilty and in between my control. And I also know about the things that are out of my control. And to disinguish those to from each other is a very important step into more freedom. And silence and peace. It takes away the unecessary worries in the middle of the day or at night. It takes away this waste of energy thinking about things you might could change or not. Based on facts and clear emotions, everything that could have been done has been done. And now, it is about patience, hope and a bit of luck. And in the end, as usual, it will happen as it is supposed to happen. It always does.

Your DingyInternational
Felix